


Echoes Remain

by Azzy_Darling, BardofHeartDive



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Memory Loss, Past Lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 08:55:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19787536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzy_Darling/pseuds/Azzy_Darling, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BardofHeartDive/pseuds/BardofHeartDive
Summary: Haunted by the memory of an unknown voice, Kaidan begins to suspect that his world is not what it seems. As he searches for answers, reality itself threatens to unravel.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So many thanks to Azzy, first for running the event and second for being an awesome art partner. She asked for angst and I did my best to deliver. Also to my amazing beta RockPaperbackScissors, who not only gave me incredible feedback, encouragement, and support, but ALSO the summary for this piece. Thank you so much, hon! And finally, to my resident Puerto Rican, who will probably never read this but is a saint for putting up with (and fixing) my terrible Spanish.

Kaidan woke up when the bed shifted underneath him. He rolled over, searching for the warmth that had been there only a moment ago but finding nothing. Still half-asleep, he asked the empty room, “What’s up?”

The only answer was the soft whir of recycled air and the occasional whoosh of a passing skycar. Still bleary-eyed, he glanced at the clock and groaned: 0323 and no chance of getting back to sleep. The tangled sheets around his legs felt restraining and the bed unbearably big for just himself. He rolled onto his back and blinked at the ceiling.

_ “Are we going to make it, Kaidan?” _

He could almost hear the words but, now that he was awake, he couldn’t quite remember the voice. His heart ached at the absence.

No sense lying awake in bed.

He pulled his omni from the bedside table and typed a quick message to Ashley as he pulled on yesterday’s jeans and the hoodie hanging by the closet. For a moment it surprised him that it smelled like his own aftershave but the absurdity of that struck him as soon as the thought crossed his mind. 

Who else would it smell like?

He shook head, slipped on his shoes, and left the apartment.

The wards of the Citadel were alive around him, bright neon signs and automated ads all trying to catch his attention. He’d walked this way so many times recently that he could practically recite them himself. It made them easier to ignore as he made his way into the quieter areas and eventually to the Presidium.

He beat Ashley there, but only just. Shortly after he settled onto the bench, facing the Relay Monument in the lake, she arrived from another rapid transit station, sweatshirt pulled over her pajamas and her hair tied into a messy ponytail. She didn’t look quite awake yet and he felt a brief regret for having woken her up. Then she gave him a tired smile and more than anything he was just happy to see her.

“You keep calling me out at all hours and James is going to get the wrong idea,” she said as she flopped down next to him.

“James could find us naked in bed together and he’d offer to turn the air down and ask if I wanted to stay for dinner.”

Ashley snorted and admitted, “Probably.” 

She rested her head against his shoulder and they sat in silence for a while. The Presidium was practically empty, completely different from his neighborhood in the Wards. The water of the lake moved gently, air filters mimicking wind, creating small ripples at the base of the statue. A keeper moved slowly along the pathway on the other side and Kaidan’s eyes followed it absentmindedly.

Ash was the one to break the silence, though she didn’t move at all. “Another headache?”

“Not this time. I just . . . couldn’t sleep.”

“It’s the second time this week.”

It was the third but he’d decided not to call her the first time. Just because he wasn’t sleeping didn’t mean she shouldn’t get some rest.

“We’re worried about you, Kaidan.”

“We?”

“Me. James. Tali and Garrus. James thinks we should tell Anderson.” He shifted at that, jostling her as he turned to object, but she quickly added, “Don’t worry, I talked him down. But we’d both feel better if  _ you _ were feeling better.”

“I’ve got an appointment with Dr. Chakwas later today. If there’s something wrong, she’ll find it.”

That seemed to appease her; she gave him a mischievous smile and said, “Maybe that’s why you can’t sleep. Too excited to be poked and prodded and who knows what else.”

“Maybe,” he said with a small laugh.

She settled against his shoulder again and he felt more than heard her give a contented sigh. The keeper had disappeared from view and they were, at least for the time being, completely alone.

“You know, if it really does bother James, I can - ”

“He just wants to know you’re alright. We want to know you’re alright.”

“Thanks, Ash.”

He tilted his head to rest on top of hers and they watched the lights come up on the Presidium together.

~*~*~*~

Kaidan had never liked hospitals but he had to admit that seeing an old friend made it a slightly more enjoyable experience. Dr. Karin Chakwas entered the room with the same air of competence and professionalism that had first impressed him several years ago. She smiled warmly when she recognized him.

“It’s good to see you again, Kaidan. It’s been some time. Though, perhaps under different circumstances would be preferable.”

“Yeah, but any excuse to catch up, right? Keeping yourself busy?”

“I hardly need to. My patients do a good enough job of that for me. Which leads us back to you. ” She turned to the datapad with his intake information. “What brings you in?”

“It’s not one thing, really. More like lots of little stuff. Trouble sleeping, headaches. It sounds silly, now that I’m saying it out loud.”

Chakwas put a hand on his shoulder. “Good health is not a matter to be taken lightly. If something is bothering you, then it’s worth looking into. And even if we don’t find anything, there’s no harm in a quick check-up. You have a history of headaches, if I remember correctly?”

“That’s right. Though I haven’t had one in a while, years at this point.” He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’ve also had some . . . sensory disturbances, I guess?”

“Halos and auras are very common with migraines.”

“Not visual. I’m hearing things. Voices.”

It was actually one voice but the distinction didn’t seem important at that moment. 

“How long has this been going on?”

“Maybe a month or two?” She ran through a set of vitals, checked his pupils, and had him follow her finger with his eyes, while he continued. “They weren’t bad at first, or frequent. The sleeping problems only started in the last few weeks.”

“And the voices?” 

“About the same time.”

“Any recent changes to your medications or recreational drug use?”

“No.”

“Fevers, weakness, or other neurological symptoms like seizures, slurred speech, or loss of vision?”

“No.”

“What about increases stress?”

“Nothing more than usual,” he answered. “You know how it is.”

“I do.”

As they talked, she finished her physical assessment, checking his strength, reflexes, and coordination. Next came a few cognitive tests to evaluate his memory, mentation, and orientation. She recorded her findings, then deactivated her omni and took the seat across from him.

“With this combination of symptoms, we want to rule out any neuro or psychological conditions. I’m going to order some blood work and scans but so far everything looks normal. To be totally honest, it’s possible that what you’re experiencing is completely stress related.”

_ “I’m here to help you relax. Relaxing will help you focus.” _

“I’d also like to refer you to one of my colleagues for a psychological evaluation, but otherwise, do your best to take it easy for the next few days, and we’ll schedule a follow-up once the rest of results come back.”

She gave him a professional handshake and a friendly good-bye and he made his way to the front desk to schedule the other tests. He had meant what he said talking to Ashley, if there was something Chakwas would find it, but he didn’t feel any better than when he came in. In a way he wished she had found something. At least then he would have had an answer.

Coming up with nothing just meant more questions.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been nearly a seven month wait to get a table at Ryuuei’s, especially for five people, but the look on Tali’s face when they were seated made it all worth it. Her eyes moved gleefully from the fish tank floor, to the extravagant decor, to the elaborate presentation of everything from their cocktails to the sushi platter to the dessert sampler they ordered. She barely managed to eat at all because she was grinning so much.

Kaidan was doing his best to have a good time for her sake but his head made it a challenge. The headache was a dull pressure this time, mostly in his forehead but extending down into his cheeks and jaw. Any movement, even talking or chewing, made it worse so he had barely touched his rolls and only taken a tiny bite of tiramisu to placate Tali.

“You’re sure you’re alright?” Tali asked again as he boxed up the majority of his dinner and they finished up with their checks. She was slurring slightly and accented the question with a small hiccup.

“I’m fine, I promise,” he answered. A glint of light passed over her cheeks and nose, almost like there was a glass mask surrounding her face, in time with a squeeze of pain. “Just a headache.” 

“You really should get those checked out, Blue,” James said. Ashley paused halfway through putting on her coat to shoot him a look and he put his hands up. “I’m just saying. He’s had a lot of them recently and the Galactic Series is coming up.”

“I saw Chakwas yesterday. I’ve got a few more tests scheduled later in the week but so far everything looks good. I’m to take it easy and work on some stress relief techniques and see if it improves.” He gave James what he hoped was a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, Vega, I wouldn’t miss seeing the Maestros get their asses kicked again.”

“You need to blow off some steam,” Tali cut in again, wiggling her forked eyebrows at him. “It’s literally what the doctor ordered.” Garrus tried to shush her but it just drew her attention to him. “Weren’t you going to introduce him to your friend? The doctor? The one who keeps sending us chocolates?” 

“Dr. Michel,” Garrus supplied.

“Chloe,” Kaidan said, at the same time. “Yeah. We, uh, went out for drinks once or twice. Nothing serious, but it was . . . fine.”

_ “A quick drink. Then I’ll go.” _

“Keelah,” she muttered, as Garrus steered her through the door to keep her from drifting into it. “Don’t get so excited about it.”

The outside streets were bustling and, afraid one guide wouldn’t be enough, Kaidan fell in at Tali’s other side as they headed to the rapid transit center. A turian bumped into him in the crowd. His face was strange, light green on the top, white on the bottom, with cold blue eyes that barely acknowledged Kaidan, even as he mumbled “excuse me” and continued on.

Kaidan didn’t realize he had dropped the box in his hand until it hit the street, scattering his leftovers on the ground. His blood went cold and his throat tightened, holding in the scream that was building his chest. He had to get away.

“Kaidan!”

His friends were shouting for him but he was already moving, scrambling backward and knocking into the people around him. He stumbled and a stranger reached to catch him. He wrenched himself out of their grip, nearly tripping a second time, and kept running.

Eventually the burning in his lungs and his legs made him slow down. He rested against the handrail of the walkway, trying to catch his breath. His whole body was trembling and he felt cold, despite the warm air around him.

“Kaidan!” Ashley appeared from around a corner and jogged toward him. Tali, Garrus, and James were nowhere in sight. “What the hell was that?”

“They could have saved him.” he stammered, through chattering teeth. “His neck was broken but they could have saved him. They could have - ”

She tilted her head to get a better look at his face. “What are you talking about?”

He wasn’t sure - it didn’t make sense, even to him - but the words spilled out, seemingly of their own accord. “I killed him.”

“You didn’t kill anybody. You’d never.” Her eyes swept over him and her face and voice softened. “Kaidan . . . are you alright?”

“I don’t . . . I don’t know. I’m - ” 

She reached out, stopping just short of actually touching him. After a minute he leaned into it, slumping against her. She took his weight and wrapped her arm around his shoulders. Now that he was calmer, he realized he was still on the Silversun Strip in front of an expensive-looking apartment complex. He didn’t recognize it but a sign outside displayed the name “Tiberius Towers.”

_ “We’ll just end up back here anyway. Am I right?” _

“I don’t know,” he repeated.

~*~*~*~

Kelly Chambers was a redhead.

Kaidan couldn’t explain why that surprised him so much.

Her office was cozy, two plush chairs and couch, all in cool grays and soft yellows, arranged around a coffee table. An asymmetrical bookshelf covered one wall, filled with books for all ages and interests, as well as various arts and crafts supplies and a box of dolls and stuffed animals. Several potted succulents sat on matching end tables, along with a candy dish heaped full and a box of tissues.

“Major Alenko?”

Kaidan stopped staring at her hair and shifted his attention to her face. When he wasn’t looking directly at it, her red pixie-cut was replaced by a dirty-blond bob. Then he blinked and she looked like herself again.

“‘Kaidan,’” he corrected. “Sorry, what?”

“I was asking what brought you in?”

“Ash - my friends - are worried about me.”

“What about you?”

“I . . . ” He let himself trail off. Kelly waited, making no move to break the silence and eventually he admitted. “I think I’m going crazy.”

Kelly hummed, a curious sound but completely nonjudgmental. “Tell me more about that.”

She was supposed to be blonde. 

“Well, I’ve been hearing voices and I had a panic attack for no reason. So . . . draw your own conclusions.”

He was trying to make it a joke but his tone was too hard and bitter to be successful. Kelly shifted on the couch, turning to face him more directly.

“Neither of those things mean you’re crazy. They’re a symptom of something else.” Her omni-tool flickered to life on her wrist. “Dr. Chakwas sent a copy of your medical records. You’ve been having trouble sleeping as well?”

_ “The war isn’t the only thing keeping me up at night . . . I wonder about us.” _

He swallowed down the words and nodded. “I’ve been having these dreams.”

“Nightmares?”

“No. At least, I don’t think so? I don’t really remember them after I wake up.”

“How do they make you feel?”

The question gave him pause. Kelly let him think, waiting attentively but patiently, until he finally answered,

“Have you ever had a dream where you’re flying? And when you wake up, just for a minute, you believe you still can. You can feel what it was like to fly. You remember it, like it was real. More real than being awake. But then you wake up the rest of the way and you realize it was a dream. And eventually you start to hate being awake because if you had just stayed asleep you could have flown forever.” He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “I wake up feeling alone. More alone than I’ve ever felt.”

~*~*~*~

The streets outside Kelly’s office were so full that the turian leaning against the corner of the building would not have stood out at all if he hadn’t been staring at Kaidan. 

As soon as their eyes met, he pushed off the corner and started toward him. He was short for a turian, though the dark, hooded robe he was wearing kept Kaidan from making out much more. When he was a few feet in front of Kaidan he simply stopped, blocking his way without saying anything. Under his hood, his face was pale gray, almost white, and completely bare of colony markings.

They stood at an impasse until Kaidan finally said, “Is there something I can do for you?”

“It’s more what I can do for you.”

“And what’s that?” Kaidan took a step back and the turian took a step forward keeping the same distance between them.

“This feels wrong to you, doesn’t it?” The neon lights of the strip sent blue and green patterns across his face. “You’ve been hearing things that aren’t real? Remembering things that haven’t happened? You know people that you’ve never met.”

“How did you - ”

“She can’t help you,” he continued, nodding back toward the building he’d just left. “How could she, when she knows even less than you.”

“And you know more?” He crossed his arms over his chest. When the turian didn’t answer, he continued, “I’ll take my chances with her, thanks.”

“When you change your mind,” he said, reaching out of his cloak to hand Kaidan a slip of paper. There was something strange about his hand; it didn’t look entirely natural, though if it was a prosthetic it wasn’t a style Kaidan had ever seen.

Kaidan took it from him and the turian passed by him. He didn’t move while he examined the paper; the only thing written on it was an address in Tayseri Ward and “back storage center.” He wanted to ask what he was supposed to do with the information but the turian was gone, vanished into the crowd.


	3. Chapter 3

The address the turian gave him looked like an abandoned storefront from the outside. He almost walked right past without even stopping but then pain shot through his head, starting at the base of his skull and driving forward until he was sure it would bore through his temples. He took a few stumbling steps to lean against the nearest wall, screwing his eyes shut against the lights around him.

_ “The decision to ‘sacrifice the one for the many.’ The choice to leave someone behind . . . Until you’re in that moment.” _

As soon as he was sure he could walk, he made his way back to the front door. He half expected it to be locked but it opened easily as soon as he touched the handle. The instructions said he actually wanted the unloading bay and storage center, so he made his way through the empty showroom and down a hall to the back of the building.

The door to the bay was standing open, giving Kaidan a clear view of the room even before he reached it. Although it was obviously intended for other purposes, it had been retrofitted with state of the art research and medical equipment. He recognized a few of the machines from his medic training and time in hospitals, but most of them were far beyond anything he’d even seen. They had all been arranged in a semi-circle, surrounding what he thought had been a sleeper pod at one point. Currently, it had too many extra panels and displays attached to it, too many cords and wires running between it and the other machines, for it to be used solely for sleeping.

The turian was nowhere to be seen. Instead he was greeted by an asari with turquoise blue skin and dark hash markings around her eyes.

“You must be Major Alenko,” she said.

“‘Kaidan’ is fine.” 

“I’m Rana Thanoptis,” she continued. “Saren told me to expect you.”

“The turian, right? I thought I’d be meeting with him.”

“Unfortunately, no. I’m responsible for data collection and preliminary analysis, so you’ll be working primarily with me.” 

“And what exactly will we be doing?”

“You’ve been having visions, right? That’s what your file says.”

Kaidan decided not to ask how they had a file on him already in favor of, “If you want to call auditory hallucinations and weird dreams ‘visions,’ sure.”

“They’re not hallucinations,” Rana corrected. “Or dreams, for that matter. I’ve done PET scans, EEGs, even advanced neurochemical mapping in real time, and the readings are totally different. They’re more like memories, at least from a physiological standpoint.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. People can’t remember things that haven’t happened.”

“According to my data,  _ you _ can.”

_ “I want to understand what this is between us . . . and make it real.” _

Kaidan sucked in a breath and held it until he was sure he could sound at least somewhat rational. “Okay. Let’s say I believe you. I’m not crazy, I’m . . . just remembering things I shouldn’t be able to. Why? Why me? Why now? Why is this happening at all?”

“Our current theory - and it’s just that, a theory - is that you’re looking for something. You’re missing something from those memories and whatever piece of you that remembers keeps bringing them up to trying to find it.”

_ Who, _ Kaidan thought but he didn’t say it. Instead he asked, “And where do you fit in?”

“With this,” she answered, stepping into the circle of machines to run her hand along the pod. She motioned for him to follow and led him in a full circle around it. “We call it the Legion. It will analyze your consciousness and project it into a digital form, which we are then able to observe and, in some cases, manipulate. It has several similarities to the technology of the geth consensus but we’ve adapted it for our purposes.”

Kaidan peered inside the pod. Besides the standard body supports there were several cables and wires.The closest screen had readings for vital signs, pulse and respiration rate, temperature, pulse oximetry, and blood pressure. The last recorded values were completely out of range for a human but approximately normal for a turian, if he remembered correctly. 

“I want to try it,” he said.

Rana nodded. “I’ll need to get some preliminary data, then we’ll get started.”

~*~*~*~

The preliminary data took longer than he had expected to collect. Three sets of vitals, sensory checks, cognitive evaluations, blood draws, even a few brain scans. He offered Rana copies of the tests Dr. Chakwas had ordered but she simply turned up her nose and asked him to recite the three words she had asked him to remember at the start of the evaluations. But finally, nearly an hour and a half later, she instructed him to take off his shoes, socks, and shirt and opened the pod for him.

“These are just sensors,” she explained as she began placing adhesive pads on his feet, ankles, wrists, and forearms. Once they were all in place she connected them to other wires inside the pod. Several smaller ones went along his face, neck, and hairline. “Once I close the pod, there are more that will automatically connect on your chest and back. Don’t be alarmed, none of it is invasive. Just cold.”

He gave a tight nod. “I’m ready.”

She returned the nod and closed the pod. As soon as it locked, three arms extended from the inside of the door until their ends touched his chest. Each sealed to his skin with a thin layer of gel that, just as she warned, was cold enough to give him goosebumps. A similar set pressed into his back, right along his spine. Rana took her place at one of the consoles, almost directly in front of him so he could see her through the glass.

“Alright, Major,” she said through a small speaker above his head. “I’m going to start the integration scans. Just hold still.”

As she said the words, white scanning beams, then grids, began washing over him. They came faster and faster and, just when he was going to ask if everything was okay, there was an intense flash and the wind was knocked out of him. It was like being caught in a rip tide, plunging downward only to be caught in a current and flung sideways, heedless of weight or gravity or physics. Then the world righted itself and he found himself standing on nothing in a soft white light. Occasional strings of blue and green shapes and symbols appeared and disappeared around him.

“That was incredibly smooth,” Rana commented. Her voice moved as she spoke, creating a strange stereo effect. “If I didn’t know any better I’d ask if you’d done this before.”

_ “Now I’ll be obsessing about how that works instead of doing my Spectre Division expense report.” _

“I’ve isolated a potential memory. Let’s give this a try.”

The world spun around him, a particularly large data-packet leaving a bright streak of green in its wake, and then . . .

_ Mindoir was a beautiful planet, rich farmland cut by crystalline rivers and surrounded by forested mountains, but the memorial services had been mediocre at best. The speaker, a chairman or secretary or minister from the Department of Agriculture, had droned for nearly an hour about the loss that had occurred, the strength and resilience of the people who remained, the hope for the future. It was a generic speech that, by changing the names and dates, could have fit any disaster in human history. _

_ Shepard had said the services left something to be desired. What he really went home for was the people and the people met at Common Ground. _

_ He’d missed the turn off twice. A track of gravel and dirt, several miles from the Memorial City, it looked more like a private driveway than a road, especially in the dark. The third time he managed to find it only by crawling down the highway well under the speed limit. The building itself looked more like a house than a bar, given away only by the hours posted discreetly in the front window. He parked the rental and headed inside. _

_ It was barely an exaggeration to say that every conversation stopped and all eyes followed him as he made his way to the bar. One of the patrons actually got up from her table and headed toward him. She stopped in front of him, blocking his path, and sized him up warilly. He stood under her scrutiny without flinching until she scoffed quietly and shoved past him. The guest nearest the stool he chose stood up when he sat down and moved to another seat at the end of the bar. _

_ Even though she was only polishing the glassware, the black-haired woman behind the bar made him wait until she’d finished with the entire wrack before coming over and demanding, “Yes?” _

_ “Golden Grain on the rocks.”  _

_ She quirked her eyebrow at that and gave him a second, longer look while she poured his whiskey. Her tone was slightly less hostile and much more curious, when she asked, “You here for the memorial?” _

_ “In a way.”  _

_ He sipped his drink. It was smooth on his tongue but burned in his throat and had a distinctive bitter bite to it. It was Shepard’s favorite and he could only get it on Mindoir. He had brought back a bottle almost exactly a year ago and the two had shared it between stolen kisses and whispered conversations on shore leave. _

_ “I lost someone,” he admitted, taking another drink. “Someone who mattered to me. And I thought, I don’t know . . . I thought if I came here I’d understand. It? Him?” _

_ Himself? _

_ She snorted. “The services don’t help. A bunch of big-wigs fly in once a year and pretend to understand but they don’t. They couldn’t.” She eyed him again, then added. “But you . . . I think you might.” _

_ She called to one of the other employees to watch the bar then grabbed his wrist and practically dragged him around the bar and out the back, so quickly he didn’t even have time to set his glass down. Common Ground was at the base of one of the mountains, butted against the woods, and she led him up a small path cleared through the trees. _

_ “The services don’t help,” she repeated as the walk grew steeper. Now that he had a course to follow and his initial surprise had worn off, he was able to keep up with her easily, so they reached the terrace at almost the same time. “Sometimes this does.” _

_ They were standing on an open-air terrace carved into the side of a cliff. It was another memorial, he realized, nothing official but much more human. There were a few formal headstones, as well as simple markers. Some were plain, others adorned with flowers, strips of fabric, or other ornaments. There were candles, toys, framed pictures both traditional and holo-photos, letters, all sorts of small offerings. A few of them had names but the majority were blank, their identities known only to the people who had left them. _

_ At some point, while he had been taking in the area, the bartender had left him and walked around to the other side. He found her kneeling at a dish of peaches, picking leaves and pine needles out from between the fruit. From this position he could see the Memorial Tower, two columns, one curved at the top, standing in the middle of a lake several miles away.  _

_ When she finished her task and stood up and said, “Take as long as you want.” _

_ He hadn’t noticed the whiskey bottle in her hand until she gave it to him, then left the way they came. He found an empty spot and took a seat on the ground. The first glass he poured from the bottle to his glass, then his glass to the ground but he drank the second, and spent the rest of the night until daybreak sharing a drink with Shepard one more time. _

Kaidan had a moment of intense vertigo and it wasn’t until Rana had reached in and touched his shoulder that he fully came back to the present.

“Your readings are great. Very strong, very clear.” She was already back to adjusting sensors. “How do you feel? What do you remember?”

Most of the experience was hazy, just the name of a person he’d never met and a taste still lingering in his mouth, so he simply answered, “Whiskey.”


	4. Chapter 4

They were still in the first quarter of the first game and James was already worked up. Hovering on the edge of his seat, swearing under his breath. He had almost spilled his beer on Kaidan twice, so he decided that the safest course of action was to help Steve in the kitchen. He was almost done with the guacamole, so Kaidan got out chips and a bowl.

“How’s it going in there?” Cortez asked. 

Before Kaidan could answer, James jumped to his feet, throwing his hands up. “Oh, come on! That wasn’t a hold! She barely touched him!”

Steve and Kaidan gave each other pointed looks and both men chuckled. 

“I thought this one was Hackers/Golds?” Kaidan asked.

“Yep.”

“Can either of them block the Maestros?”

“Nope.”

“Then what’s the big deal?”

“ _El partie mano,_ Kaidan. The game.”

“Hey, uh, Steve.” He glanced up from slicing the limes and Kaidan almost lost his nerve. He took a drink from his beer to stall but it tasted like whiskey and was enough to make him ask, “You were a colony kid, right?”

“Yeah. Before coming to the Citadel.”

“You moved around a lot?”

“I guess.”

“Have you ever . . . ” He turned his bottle in his hand. “Do you know anything about a planet called Mindoir?”

Steve’s brow furrowed as he squeezed the limes over the bowl and he shook his head. “I’ve never even heard of it. Should I?” 

“No. No, I don’t think so . . . ” 

From the living room came a string of Spanish, too fast for Kaidan to hear the individual words. Not that he needed to, to understand the meaning behind them.

“You know they can’t hear you, right Mr. Vega?” Steve called. He made his way back to the couch while Kaidan loaded the dishes into the dishwasher. “Have some guac and take a breath. The only thing yelling does is bother the neighbors.”

“That call was bullshit!” James seethed, though he did stop pacing long enough to sample the chips and dip. “I don’t know what bug McCarthy has up his ass but he better get it sorted out!”

Kaidan’s omni rang with an incoming call, a number he recognized as his dad’s. Turning back to his guests he said, “I need to take this.”

James protested but he was already halfway to the bedroom. He shut the door behind him and answered:

“Hey, dad.”

“Hello. I was just returning your call.”

“I wanted to talk to mom actually. She around?”

“What, your old man’s not worth the time of day anymore?”

“It’s not that. I just thought she might be better for this.”

“She’s not here at the moment. Why don’t you give me a try?”

“Okay, I guess.” He sighed, then finally asked. “When I was little, did I have any friends with the last name Shepard?”

“Hrmmm. Not that I can think of. We knew most of the families on base. No Shepards that I remember. What’s this about?”

As a rule Kaidan didn’t like lying, especially not to family, but telling his father that the name had come up in a digital scan of a hallucination that was actually a memory while he was participating in underground and possibly illegal research was an even less appealing option.

“It’s nothing important,” he said. “I ran into a guy by the name a while back. He was sure we knew each other but . . . I didn’t remember him.”

“Maybe you served with him?”

“I checked back through my service records. If there’s a connection I can’t find it.”

That was the truth. He’d scoured his entire career, trying to find any connection and came up empty with nothing. He’d even gone so far as to search the entire Alliance personnel database with no success. If the man was affiliated with the Alliance, he was unlisted, likely in intelligence or black ops or maybe a protection program. Someone Kaidan should have remembered if he knew him.

“It’s not important,” he continued. “It’s just been bothering me.”

“You see a lot of people, Kaidan,” his dad continued. “He might not have been under your command. He could have heard you speak somewhere or worked on the same project in a different department.”

“I suppose,” he said, though he didn’t believe it. “I, uh, have guests, so I better get back to them. But thanks for calling back. And, if mom has some time, have her call me. I can’t remember the last time I talked to her.”

“I’ll see what I can do. Take care, son.”

The line disconnected and he told the empty room, “I’m trying.” 

~*~*~*~

_The Council had locked down Virmire but Shepard’s Spectre status got them in with nothing more than a few raised eyebrows. Their ride, a small private charter ship, set up in orbit, and the two of them prepped to head down to the surface._

_“Do you even know how to fly this thing,” Shepard asked when he found him in the shuttle’s pilot seat._

_“I’m no Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau, but I can get us there and back.”_

_Shepard chuckled, settling into the seat next to him, and sat silently while he continued with the pre-flight checks. It felt right, simply being next to him. He was almost done when Shepard reached across the space between them and took his hand. Both of them had gauntlets on but even through the armor the grip was desperately tight._

_“You can stay here,” Shepard said. “I can do this alone.”_

_“But you don’t have to,” he answered. Here, away from the prying eyes of rules and regulations it was natural to put his other hand on top of Shepard’s, to lean in so he could see his eyes even through the visors of their helmets. “Ready?”_

_“Yeah,” Shepard said. He squeezed his hand, then released it. “Let’s do this.”_

_There weren’t a lot of places to land and the best he could do was surprisingly close to where the Normandy had first touched down. The beach was totally different now, devoid of life, filled with debris, gray from all the soot that had settled into it. Rods of metal, snapped to jagged points, jutted up from the water, as if to warn away intruders. Shepard marked their destination on the map in their HUDs and they headed out._

_The blast from their makeshift bomb had left crater roughly the size of a city block but fortunately they didn’t need to search the crater itself. They started with the perimeter and worked their way around and out. Considering the size of the area they had to search and the fact that there were only two of them, they made good time. They didn’t find anything the first day but only an hour or two into the second, Shepard called him over._

_He’d found part of the cowl of a Phoenix hardsuit._

_Concentrating the search in that area led to more and more pieces of their puzzle. Bits of armor, all charred rough and black where ablative layers had burned away. Broken pieces of guns that Shepard was somehow able to identify as Alliance issue. Something crunched unevenly under his boot and when he lifted his foot he saw a partially disintegrated human jaw. He tried to call for Shepard but his voice couldn’t clear the lump in his throat and he choked on air. He felt dizzy and then Shepard was there, holding him steady._

_“Hey.” Concentrating on Shepard’s face kept the world in focus. “You need a minute.”_

_“I’m . . . ” He shook his head, more to clear it than to argue. “I’m okay.”_

_Shepard moved one of his hands to his cheek. “Take a minute anyway.”_

_“I . . . okay.”_

_He took a few steps to get clear of the area they’d been searching and sat on a piece of rubble. Shepard crouched, sift through the debris on his hands and knees. After a few more minutes he stood up and joined him. Still silent, he held out a hand. He reached for it and Shepard dropped a pair of dog tags into his palm. One was broken nearly in half but the other, besides being dinged, scratched, and covered in cinders, was intact. He rubbed his thumb over the surface and smeared the grime away just enough to read the name stamped into the metal: “Williams, A. M.”_

“No!”

Kaidan wrenched himself free of the pod mid-scream. His feet missed the floor somehow and he tripped forward, landing hard on his hands and knees. 

“What was it?” Rana asked, rushing around the consoles to help him up. “What happened? What did you see?”

Ignoring the asari completely, Kaidan half-crawled, half-ran to his things and frantically rummaged through them until he found his omni-tool. He dialed the number, missing two different digits in his hurry. 

“Come on, come on . . . ” he seethed as it rang. He didn’t wait when the line connected, just blurted “Ash!”

“Woah, Blue. Take a breath. You okay?”

“Ash! I need to talk to Ash.”

“Okay, okay.  _ ¡Dame un break! _ ” He heard whispered conversation as James passed the omni off and then Ashley asked, “Kaidan? What’s up?”

The sound of her voice made the world unsteady again but there was no one to catch him. His knees gave out underneath him and the next thing he knew he was on the floor, sitting with his back against a desk and Ashley was yelling at him through the omni-tool.

“I swear to God, Alenko, if I find you passed out in an alley I will drag your ass to Anderson myself!”

He cleared his throat. “No. That’s - I’m okay. I’m sorry. I’m fine, I just - ”

“Kaidan, do you hear yourself? You’re not fine. Dreams and headaches are one thing but these . . . I don’t even know what to call them! Panic attacks? Psychotic breaks? You need help.”

“I just needed to know you were okay,” he said. Then he ended the call before she could say anything else.


	5. Chapter 5

_ Even with several hours of daylight left, the falling debris was clearly visible streaming through the sky. Hundreds of thousands of meteors burning as they plummeted to the planet below. It could almost have been beautiful if it hadn't been the remains of the quarian fleet. He could hear one of the quarian captains calling for help over the comms. Their drive core was offline and their emergency escape pods were failing. _

_ With effort, he pulled his eyes away from the sky to the man next to him. He expected Shepard to be upset, angry or even sad, but he only looked tired. Weary. It broke his heart in a way he couldn’t quite describe. All his doubts about allying with the geth, his grief for the loss of the quarians, melted away into a singular ache to take him into his arms. Give him a shoulder and tell him everything was going to be alright. He put his hand on Shepard’s shoulder and felt him freeze under the touch, then relax into it. _

_ Shepard reached up and covered his hand with his own. _

_ “I’m sorry.” _

_ His focus had been so intently on Shepard, Tali’s voice surprised him. He turned toward her, trying to come up with something to express his sympathy, but stopped short when he saw her face unmasked. She let the visor of her suit fall out of her hand and took a deep breath, her first ever without her suit’s filter. Her eyes, tear-filled and blood-shot, swept across the landscape, then up, then closed. She opened her arms.  _

_ By the time he realized what was happening, Shepard was already moving. “Tali, no!” he yelled, running forward as she tipped backward.  _

_ Shepard dropped to his knees, reaching over the edge and for one awful moment he was sure Shepard would go over as well. He reached the cliff in time to see Shepard close his empty hand. Tali was out of sight, lost somewhere in the rocks and waves below. _

~*~*~*~

_ Biotics Division was expecting him but he couldn’t just walk past James without saying something. The lieutenant had found some friends from an old unit and was planning to fall in with them until Shepard pulled him for special assignment. His expression was uncharacteristically serious, almost stoic, as he checked his gear. _

_ “Hey, Vega.” A few of the soldiers around him saluted, then scattered off to give them some privacy. “How are you holding up?” _

_ “Oh, I’m good.” James tapped his rifle with his finger. “Ready for some pay back, you know? ‘Bout time we give the Reapers a taste of their own medicine.”  _

_ “Just don’t lose focus,” he cautioned. “You charging in guns blazing and getting yourself killed isn’t going to help anyone. The best revenge here is firing the Crucible and winning the war, not throwing your life away needlessly.” _

_ James’ face hardened even more. “I know why we’re here. But you can be damn sure I’m taking down my share.”  _

_ “I know better than to bet against you.” _

_ He’d lost too many credits that way during their poker nights with Joker and Steve. He almost laughed but then he remembered that Cortez was the only one who could tell when James was bluffing. That thought made the sound stick in his throat. _

_ “I’m, uh . . . sorry. About Steve.”  _

_ “Yeah.” James’ voice was as thick as his felt, until he cleared his throat. “Well, at least he’s with Robert.” _

_ “Robert?”  _

_ “His husband. He got taken during one of the Collector attacks. Ferris Fields, I think.” _

_ “I didn’t know that.” He hadn’t know Steve was married at all. _

_ “He didn't really talk about it,” James said, with a shrug. “He had a recording he used to listen to. Didn’t really move on, I guess. But they’re together now and that leaves a few more for the rest of us, right?” _

_ “Something like that.” He managed to laugh that time and clasped his hand on James’ shoulder. “See you on the other side, lieutenant.”  _

_ “ _ Nos vemos, _ ” James answered. _

_ He gave him a final salute and headed for his squad. Shepard would be looking for him there once he finished up at the comm center. _

~*~*~*~

_ He’d suspected the ship’s AI was making a joke when she said Tali was in the main gun battery. She seemed to have quite the sense of humor, a perfect match for Joker’s. The room seemed empty when he arrived but just in case he stuck his head in. _

_ “Tali?” he called. _

_ A small voice answered, “Back here.” _

_ He followed the sound of her voice to the back and found her tucked between two panels. “What are you doing?” _

_ “I was just . . . missing Garrus. The last time we were on this ship he spent most of his time here and I, keelah, I wanted to feel close to him, I guess. _

_ “You could always send him a message.” _

_ Tali got very quiet at that, and still. Her mask kept him from seeing her expression but he watched the visor, searching for some hint of movement through the glass. Finally she said, “Garrus didn’t make it back. From the Collector Base.” _

_ “Oh.” _

_ The news hit him in a way he hadn’t expected. He and Garrus hadn’t been especially close and, with the galaxy collapsing around them, losing people was a reality he really couldn’t escape. Still, this was different than the lists of casualties flooding in from planets unknown or even from people he’d worked with over the years. Garrus had been there at the start, with him and with Shepard. It didn’t seem right that he wouldn’t be there for the end. _

_ Tali sniffled next to him and he didn’t need to see her face to know that she was crying. _

_ “I just assumed he was working with the hierarchy. I, uh . . . I’m sorry.” _

_ She started to answer but her voice cracked. She cleared it before starting again, but there was still a tremble to it when she finally managed, “Yes, well . . . It would have been nice to have something to come back to.” _


	6. Chapter 6

“I don’t know how much more of this I can take,” Kaidan admitted one day as he was prepping for another session. “All these . . . memories, if that’s really what they are. Death. Loss. Anger. I don’t feel any closer to the answer than I did two days ago.”

“Five,” Rana said. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion and he gave a small shake of his head. “It’s been five days.”

“Since my first session. But I’ve only been staying here for two.”

“Your first session was a week ago. You’ve been here for the last five days.” 

“Five days,” he muttered, letting it sink in. He had missed the follow up with Chakwas and his scheduled appointment with Kelly. He’d wanted to call to check in with Ashley but hadn’t gotten around to it yet and the galactic bioti-ball championship would be in its final games.

“We expected some disorientation using the Legion and, especially with how much time you’ve been spending connected, losing some time isn’t surprising.” Rana continued absentmindedly. She had moved to her analysis station and was engrossed in a page of data. “I found something when I was reviewing the scans our last attempt. There was a strange reading right as you disconnected. It looks like the other memories but the signature doesn’t match yours. It’s almost like it belongs to someone else.” 

“I feel like it all belongs to someone else,” he muttered, too quietly for her to hear.

Oblivious, Rana started adjusting the pod settings. “I think we should start there.”

He barely remembered stripping down to his pants. Climbing into the pod had become second nature now; his body just knew how to do it. He didn’t flinch when Rana connected the sensors to his skin and sealed the glass between him and the outside. He closed his eyes as the scanning beams washed over his body and fell weightless into the Legion . . .

_ The forest stretched out around him as far as he could see, dark trunks, exposed roots, a few small shrubs here and there. Above him, the sky was a sunless, moonless gray broken only by the branches of the trees intersecting over head. Ashes floated through the air from fires unseen though he knew were creeping closer every moment. _

_ Movement in the distance caught his eye, a bit of lighter gray darting between two trees. He started toward it but his body felt heavy, like he was running through water. The faster he tried to move, the slower he went. The shape, seemingly unaffected, disappeared from view behind a tree and reappeared behind another. _

_ It was a child, he realized when he got closer. A young boy in a gray sweatshirt, crouched next to a bench that hadn’t been there a moment ago. A tightly coiled panic settled into his stomach; he needed to get him somewhere safe. Just as he was reaching for him there was a flash of white-red light and a klaxon sounded. He glanced toward the light and when he looked back, the boy was running. He gave chase, running at a snail's pace, through the woods. _

_ “Shepard.” _

_ The voice sounded like it was behind him but when he tried to find the speaker there was nothing besides the trees and ashes. The boy was getting further away, he knew, so he took off running again while the whispers continued, coming from nowhere and everywhere.  _

_ “I beg you, do not do this please.”  _

_ “I like to expect the worst. There’s a small chance I’ll be pleasantly surprised.” _

_ “Shepard.” _

_ “I always have time for you, Commander.” _

_ “Shepard.” _

_ “Shepard-Commander.” _

_ “I’ve lived a full life. No regrets. I’d like to make sure the crew gets the same opportunity.” _

_ The woods were endless and the boy was always out of reach, no matter how far he ran or how long. Whenever he got close enough to catch him, he would vanish behind a tree and reappear further away. Still, he followed and eventually the boy ran into Shepard’s arms. He felt a tiny flash of relief before Shepard looked up at him and flames started licking around them. He reached for them but the fire grew higher until they were both completely engulfed. He squinted against the light, which was growing brighter by the second until all he could see around him was white. _

“Hold on.” Rana’s voice surrounded him, slightly distorted through the Legion’s interface. “Hold on there’s something else.”

Data spun around him leaving green and blue swirls as Rana readjusted the parameters, and he felt the world shifting and reforming around him. He fell up and sideways but after a moment of intense vertigo, gravity reoriented and . . . 

_ He was standing on an open platform in open space. Ships were fighting above them, some with designs he recognized, others completely foreign, though they reminded him of nothing more than huge, insectile squids. The boy was there again, facing him, and he pointed behind him.  _

_ He turned to see the Citadel, not in the luminous pinks and purples of the Serpent Nebula, but hanging in the atmosphere of a small green and blue planet, a constructed satellite next to a second, natural moon. As he watched, the arms of the Wards opened like a flower and a beam of light shot out from the center. He traveled with it, streaming forward until eventually they hit a mass relay. The rings of the relay began spinning, building speed until they practically looked like a solid sphere, until they couldn’t contain the energy and sent it scattering into the galaxy.  _

_ Bits of the world around him flickered and he saw flashes of the grids and scanners around him. He smelled smoke and felt his chest buck against normal breathing, though his consciousness inside the Legion wasn’t coughing. _

Rana opened the door to the pod. Smoke billowed as she pulled him out, bare wires sparking around him. One caught him as he struggled free sending burning pain across his cheek. Once she had him clear, she emptied a fire extinguisher in the inside.

“What happened?” she asked, reaching for the power switch on the side. Even when it was shut off she disconnected it from the power as well. “What did you do?”

“The answer isn’t here,” he said. “We have to leave the Citadel.”

“That’s ridiculous.” She stopped tending to the machine and shot him a skeptical look. “No one leaves the Citadel. There’s nothing out there.”

“Yes, there is. There is. I’ve seen it.”

By that point she was halfway in the pod herself, testing connections and trying to assess the damage. If she was listening to him at all, he couldn’t tell. She shook her head and brought up her omni. “This is a disaster. I’m calling Saren.”

“Do whatever you want,” he answered, pulling on his hoodie without bothering with his shirt. “I’m going to find what I’m looking for.”

Getting his boots on wasn’t worth the time either, so he carried them out under his arm as he headed for the door and onto the street.


	7. Chapter 7

Although he had made it sound easy when he left the research facility, the options for getting off the Citadel were limited. Rana wasn’t lying when she said no one left; he couldn’t think of a single person who had. The shuttles used for transport between the Wards were the closest they had to spacecraft, which was probably why he found himself standing outside Steve’s apartment. It took several minutes for him to answer and he came to the door in nothing more than a pair of sweatpants but the annoyance on his face vanished as soon as he realized who it was knocking.

“Kaidan. It’s almost 3:30.” Steve blinked, as if he was just realizing his friend was standing barefoot on his doorstep. “You’re bleeding.”

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.” 

Steve left the lights of the apartment off, though the glow of a few electronics provided enough light for Kaidan to navigate through the living room. Steve led him into the kitchen then, despite Kaidan’s protests, left him there to retrieve some medi-gel for his cheek. 

“No one’s heard from you in a while,” Steve said, applying the gel to the cut. “The clinic called Ash when you missed your second appointment. She and James stopped by your place yesterday. They said it looked like you’d been gone a while.”

“Only a few days.”

Steve snorted. “The man has been having hallucinations and delusions for weeks, misses his doctors’ appointments making them call his emergency contact, creates a scene in the middle of one of the Citadel’s most exclusive restaurants, calls his best friend in a panic with absolutely no explanation, and his answer is ‘only a few days.’ Come on, you have to have something better than that.”

He didn’t so he stayed on the matter at hand. “I need a favor - ”

A light turned on down the hall and a voice called, “Babe?”

“In the kitchen,” Steve answered. “Put some clothes on; there’s company.”

Kaidan thought he heard confused muttering though he couldn’t make out the words and a few moments later Robert Cortez came padding into the kitchen. His straw-blond hair was mussed and he still looked half-asleep but he was wearing an undershirt and running shorts. 

“Well, this is a surprise,” he said, though his tone was exactly the opposite. He turned to Steve and clicked his tongue at him, chiding. “Did you even offer him something to drink?”

“I’m fine,” Kaidan said, but Robert had already gotten a container of milk from the fridge and was pouring it into a saucepan on the stove.

“Kaidan was just about to ask for a favor,” Steve said. Even though he was supposedly talking to his husband he kept his eyes on Kaidan. Oblivious, Robert started adding cocoa and spices into the milk.

“Oh yeah?”

“Mm-hmm . . . ” He raised his eyebrows at Kaidan. “Go on, let’s hear it.”

“Your shuttle has FTL, right?”

“Yeah. It’s standard for the Kodiak and the A-model has an upgraded core.”

“I need to get out of Citadel space . . .”

It took Steve a few minutes to understand what he meant, but Kaidan saw the exact moment it happened. His mouth fell open and he gaped a minute before asking:

“You want to take a drop shuttle through the Widow Relay?”

“I wouldn’t say that I  _ want _ to so much as I need to get through the relay and I don’t have a better idea.”

“Next you’ll tell me you want to go deep-sea diving in a triton mech.”

_ “Never do that again.” _

“I don’t think they were designed for relay jumps - ”

“They are most definitely not.”

“ - but could it be done?”

“No? Maybe? I don’t know.” Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. “It wouldn’t be able to engage the relay on its own and even if you figured that out it would take a miracle for you to survive the jump itself.”

Robert set three cups of hot chocolate on the table and said, “I believe in miracles.” 

“You can’t be serious,” Steve said, his disbelief now directed at his husband. “You think helping him plan a suicide mission is a good idea.”

“I think he’s doing this mission with or without our help,” Robert answered, stirring his cocoa. “And he stands a better chance of survival with it.”

“ _ Mierda _ ,” Steve swore. He said nothing for a long time, then finally turned back to Kaidan and jabbed his finger at him accusingly. “If I help you with this and you don’t come back, Ashley is going to kill me. So you better find your miracle.

“A Kodiak, even the As, don’t have the interface systems needed to communicate with a mass relay. You could literally fly into the thing and it wouldn’t know where to send you or even that you were there at all. You could try running an interface program through an external system. I’ve used them to adapt private transports before but those ships were designed to withstand relay jumps, the program was an upgrade or optional addition.”

“And that will get me through?”

“That will get the relay to send you somewhere. Kodiaks have impressive k-barriers, given their size, and are pretty well armored but that’s not what they’re designed for. You’d be just as likely to disintegrate in transit as make it through. And no way you’d get two out of it. You’d be stuck wherever you went. One way ticket.”

_ “We know the score. We know this is good-bye.” _

Steve lifted his cup and got it halfway to his mouth before stopping to ask, “Have you ever even flown before?”

_ To a place I’ve never seen with a man that doesn’t exist.  _

“Can you install it here?”

“Not here, but at the garage.” He sighed. “You want to go tonight, don’t you?”

“Now if we could.”

“Not until you finish your cocoa. If you’re set on flying off to certain death, you’re at least going to have chocolate beforehand.”

They didn’t talk much more after that. They sipped their drinks in silence and Kaidan watched Steve and Robert. They sat next to each other, close enough that Kaidan was sure their legs were touching under the table. Even without words, they seemed to communicate, little touches, soft sighs, the occasional peck on the cheek or forehead.

Eventually they finished and Steve went to change while Robert washed the cups. They moved around each other like dancers, synchronized steps bringing them within inches of each other but never in the other’s way. Robert kissed Steve and whispered good-bye as they left and Kaidan felt like he’d been punched in the stomach.

Steve made short work of synching the relay interface with the Kodiak’s navigation system and programming the VI to help to the best of its ability. He did the preflight checks, then turned the pilot seat over to Kaidan.

“Once you’re within range of the relay it should request a destination. You’ll enter that in the haptic display.” He handed Kaidan the small metal box that contained the interface program, then a folded white jumpsuit and helmet. “This is my G-suit from when I was flying my Trident. It’s not much in the way of physical protection but it is space worthy. I’d recommend putting that on now in case there’s any structural damage from the jump. You know, so you don’t explode, flash freeze, and instantly suffocate. You’re sure you want to do this?”

“Yes,” Kaidan answered, immediately and certainly. Then before he could stop himself, he blurted, “What wouldn’t you do for Robert?”

“Nothing,” Steve said and his voice matched Kaidan’s exactly. He gave Kaidan a small nod goodbye before shutting the side door.

It was a short trip to the far end of the Ward and out of the Citadel’s atmosphere into the open space of the Serpent Nebula. At this distance, it almost looked like a hand, he thought, fingers reaching out to pull him back. 

_ “We mutinied. Stole a prototype warship. If they wanted to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping.” _

He half expected to be pursued but nothing came. The shuttle sped away undisturbed. The interface registered with the relay, and he was flung out into the galaxy.


	8. Chapter 8

_He’d been in the hull, prepping for a ground mission, when the alarms went off. It was almost funny; he’d been so concerned about what they might encounter planetside that the idea of the ship being attacked was absurd. Less so when he realized the severity of the damage caused by a single shot from the unknown enemy and his attention shifted to a singular task with laser focus._

_He had to get to Shepard._

_He was so focused on finding the commander, he ran through the burning ship with his helmet in his hand. He didn’t even realize it wasn’t on until he saw Shepard clicking his own into place, calm and collected, like the ship wasn’t burning around them._

_“Kaidan. Go. Now.”_

The first thing Kaidan felt coming to consciousness was pain. His entire head felt like it had been overstuffed with broken glass, each shard cutting and piercing the inside of his skull, and flashing warning lights and sirens did not help. He groaned and tried to sit up, only to find that he was suspended upside-down. The artificial gravity was down and the only thing keeping him in his seat was the safety harness. Instead of bothering with trying to restart it, he simply unbuckled and let himself float while he shut off the alarms and took stock.

The shuttle was, for the most part, in one piece, though several swaths had been burned away or shredded, leaving glimpses of space through the walls. Dark char marks and fine white residue showed where fires had started and then put out by automatic extinguishers. It was still moving, albeit barely, inching forward with whatever momentum was still left. All systems besides emergency life-support were down. Based on the VI’s last status report, turning them back on wouldn’t do anything besides waste power so he let them be, at least until he came up with a reason to use them, and turned his attention outside the shuttle.

The space around him was filled with debris, much more than could have come from one spacecraft, even a full-sized dreadnought. The pieces ranged in size from fine dust to large sections of ships. Paying special attention to the bigger pieces, he was able to identify several different designs and materials, some he recognized, others he didn’t. It would have been a huge battle, with multiple fleets involved.

_“You’ve put the people together, the vision - ”_

He gasped as his head throbbed again, the pain so intense he could barely breathe.

The shuttle cleared a huge piece of reddish-black metal that looked like nothing so much as the leg of a gargantuan insect, and a ship came into view. Unlike all the others this one was whole. In fact, it was pristine, completely untouched by whatever had damaged the other craft. Its design was similar to an Alliance frigate, though there were hints of turian influence as well. Painted on the side of the hull was the name “NORMANDY SR-2.”

_Docking Bay D24 was a madhouse but the bridge connecting to the ship was empty and he was thankful. There were difficult things he needed to think about and the quiet made it just a little bit easier._

_He glanced through the windows to the ship he was waiting to board. Normandy was all sleek lines and smooth curves, beautiful in its construction but also what it stood for. Unity in a time of division. Hope in a time of despair. There were things he wasn’t sure of but he was certain that this was where he wanted to be._

_This was where he belonged._

_He turned away from the window and leaned on the wall, tipping his head back against the glass. As much as he hated to admit it, Shepard was the thing he most needed to think about. The man had worked with terrorists, killed a Citadel Councilor, and pointed a gun at him. And despite all of that, he would follow him anywhere. He would take his orders and he would watch his back._

_His struggle was not whether or not he should trust Shepard but the fact that he did._

_The door to the dock opened and the man in question joined him in the airlock. Shepard was the fulcrum as his world shifted and resettled without any lingering doubt._

_He didn’t just belong on this ship, he belonged with this man._

He bumped into the co-pilot seat, not hard enough to hurt, just enough to jostle him into the present. He couldn’t be sure how much time had passed but the shuttle’s position relative to Normandy had changed enough for him to know it had been several minutes at least. Still suspended, he began starting up the thrusters, only to find that there wasn’t enough power left. Even the life support had failed at some point and only the suit was keeping him pressurized and breathing. If he was going to the other ship, the shuttle was not going to get him there.

Pushing off the control panel, he floated into the cargo area in the back. The door had been damaged so it took some effort but he activated the mag boots for leverage and managed to force it open. The Normandy was only a hundred or so yards away. If he could make it over, there was an emergency hatch under the nose that he might be able to get through.

He ignored the voice asking how he knew that, what the chance of actually making it was, what he was planning to do once he got there.

He released the mag boots and pushed off.

About halfway across the distance, he realized his trajectory was off. The angle was too steep and unless he could correct, he would miss the bow entirely. He was trying to figure out if he would pass close enough and if the attraction of his mag boots would be strong enough to pull him to the hull - as if he wasn’t going to try it either way - when the Normandy’s engines burst to life. The ship steered toward him and turned so that he was travelling almost parallel to the portside. 

As he drifted past, entrance to the airlock opened. He caught the corner of the doorway and pulled himself inside. The door closed behind him and, as soon as it sealed, the artificial gravity turned on and he dropped about a foot onto the floor. Decontamination beams swept over him and then the inner door to the rest of the ship opened, bringing a rush of air with it.

A scan with his omni-tool showed the life support was fully functional. Oxygen levels, temperature, and pressure were all normal so he pulled his helmet off. The air tasted stale, a tell-tale sign of recycled atmo, and was unsettlingly still. To his left, the cockpit was empty but the haptic displays were still on. To his right, a fully functional but completely abandoned Combat Information Center. The galaxy map filled the center of the room, a miniature replica of the Milky Way spinning slowly and waiting for a destination to be selected. The work stations along the wall were still active and beeped or flashed occasionally.

Ignoring everything else, Kaidan went to the elevator behind the map. As soon as he was close enough, the doors slid open. Trusting instinct, he hit the button labeled “LOFT.”

The elevator opened to reveal a small hallway with only one other door on the opposite wall. He stepped into the room but it took him some time to actually approach the door. He felt like he was forgetting something, like there was something he was supposed to bring.

_“I lied. I didn’t come here for a quick drink.”_

For just a moment there was something smooth and hard in his hands, a bottle maybe, definitely glass, but then it was gone, replaced by a pulsing tightness in his head. 

He opened the door.

The cabin inside was much too comfortable to have been designed by military engineers. Immediately inside was a small office, divided from the rest of the room by a glass display case containing several model ships. His eyes settled on an Alliance Dreadnought and he knew, even without seeing it, that there was a crack along the starboard wing from where he had dropped it. That thought made the pain flare again, so intense his vision blurred.

A little further in, there were a few steps down into the sleeping quarters. One wall held a beautiful fish tank, devoid of fish but still full of water. It rose and fell gently, bubbled when the filter turned on. The bed was made perfectly, the comforter smooth, the corners tucked tight.

_The bed shifted and he rolled over, reaching for the source of the movement. When he found only empty sheets, he scrubbed a hand across his face and asked, “What’s up?”_

_“Are we going to make it, Kaidan?”_

_Shepard sounded lost, completely different from the commander that was leading the galaxy against the Reapers. He was sitting at the edge of the bed, shoulders slumped, head bowed. He looked human and sometimes he needed a shoulder._

_“We’re ready.” He sat up and put a hand on Shepard’s back. “You’ve put the people together, the vision - and what you’ve done, Shepard is build hope.”_

_“I’m glad I inspire that in you, but sometimes . . . ”_

A flicker of light reflected in the glass caught his attention and he spun around. Facing him was a child’s figure made of a pale blue energy. It watched him, though its face had no discernible features, and the light that made its body shifted and shimmered endlessly. 

“I know you,” he said, remembering both the gray forest and the vision that had prompted him to leave the Citadel. Watching it sent knives of pain back from his eyes to the base of his skull but he couldn’t look away. “Please. I’m looking for - ”

“I know,” the child, if it could be called that, cut him off. Its voice was like the sea, colder and deeper than any person’s could have been. “I know who you are and I know why you’ve come. But there is nothing for you here.”

“That’s not true. There’s someone. Shepard.”

“There is nothing. Only echoes remain. Leave, before you are nothing more yourself.”

“I couldn’t even if I wanted to,” he said. The longer he stood in the presence of the child, the worse his head got. Pricks of white danced through his vision. His knees shook but he locked them to keep himself standing. “And I wouldn’t even if I could.”

“You have no - ”

“I’m not leaving him behind!”

White-hot pain exploded behind his eyes. A strangled scream tore from his throat as his legs gave way and he fell to his knees clutching his head. 

_The ruined streets of London spread out around him but the only thing that mattered was ahead. He should have meant the beam but fact of the matter was he meant the man in front of him. Shepard charged through the destruction like an angel of wrath, driving with unwavering determination, and his sole purpose until the end was to follow. He risked a glance to his right; Vega was a half step behind him, running like the galaxy depended on it, because it did._

_An explosion followed by a deafening screech tore through the air. He looked up in time to see Shepard slide under a rolling transport vehicle, which hit another, sending the second airborne and straight at them. He tried to catch it with his biotics but there was too much force; it was too heavy, moving too fast. He flung himself to the side and barely managing to get clear with James landing practically on top of him._

_He was still on his hands and knees, struggling to get to his feet, when a burst of heat hit the ground at his side. He hadn’t known until that moment that burning earth had a smell. He concentrated on that, trying to ignore the death mixed in with it as James was vaporized. The metal of the vehicle screamed, then hissed as the super-heated air inside split it at the seams. He felt his blood boiling, his skin cracking around him, and in his last milliseconds alive, he reached back for Shepard._

The red of the laser, became a soft, shimmering green light that washed over him harmlessly. The pain stopped, even his headache, gone in an instant without even a lingering discomfort. He looked up as London dissolved around him, replaced by the abandoned forest of a memory that was not his. This time, though, there was no gray, only green. Instead of ash, green shimmers floated through the air. Each tree had wavering lines of green running up and down its trunk, across its branches, over its leaves. Even the sky had a green cast to it.

And there, between two of the trees, was a man.

Kaidan took a step toward him tentatively, afraid he would turn and run like the child had in the Legion. When he stayed where he stood, Kaidan took another step, then another, then another, faster and faster, until he was running. Running like Virmire. Running like the Collector attack. Running like London.

Unlike the child, the man appeared to have a physical body but the green clung to him. It was a flickering shadow across his features, made of light instead of darkness but obscuring nonetheless. Only his eyes were easy to make out. They shimmered the same luminous green as well, but Kaidan was sure they were supposed to be blue. He opened his mouth, not sure what he was going to say, and all that came out was: 

“Shepard.”

The word didn’t sit right on his tongue but the man smiled sadly and said, “Kaidan.”

Like a dam breaking, the memories flooded back, a lifetime twice-lost returning to him in an instant. It came without pain this time but his legs gave out all the same. The man knelt next to him and when he looked up, his face was the first thing he saw.

“John,” Kaidan said. “I remember. I . . . I died. I . . . What happened?”

“You died,” John answered. His hands twitched toward him but then he forced them down to his sides again. “I watched you die. And I couldn’t lose you again. I couldn’t. So I did what I had to do.”

“The Crucible.”

“The Crucible.” John’s voice was dismissive, almost disinterested. “Destruction. Control. What would be the point of saving a world without you in it?” 

The light on the trees flickered, the green turning to gray and back again. 

“What was that?” Kaidan scanned the sky and the woods but as far as he could tell nothing had changed. A terrible thought crossed his mind and he turned back toward John, half expecting to find him burning, but he was still there, no different besides a few shifting shimmers. “What’s happening?”

“We’re running out of time,” John said. “You need to go back.”

“What? No. No, I’m staying.” He tried to grip John’s hand but his fingers passed through it. “I came here for you and I’m not leaving without you.”

“Oh, Kaidan. I’m only here because you are. You may be dead but I’m gone.”

The inside of Kaidan’s wrist itched and he glanced down to see lines of green light running over his palm. He raised his hand; they continued along his arm and disappeared under his sleeve. The back of his arm and the other hand were the same and he was willing to bet the tingling he was suddenly feeling on his face and neck were the same. And then they were gone. He looked back at John, who nodded at him.

“You’re all that’s left of me. I gave myself to the Crucible to merge organic and synthetic life to give you another chance. All of you. You forget the old life and start a new one. Death isn’t the end but the beginning.”

“But I didn’t forget. At least not entirely.”

John’s voice dropped until Kaidan could barely hear him. “Some memories run too deep.”

The green light faltered again. This time whole sections of trees vanished entirely. John’s image did too, flickering in and out of existence.

“It’s time. You’ve got to get out of here, Kaidan.”

He shook his head, not too proud to plead, “Don’t leave me behind.”

This time when John’s hands moved he didn’t stop them. He reached out and put his hand on Kaidan’s cheek. It felt warm but had no substance.

“No matter what happens, know that I love you. Always.” John leaned in to kiss him and softly added, _“Go.”_

Kaidan woke up when the bed shifted underneath him. He rolled over, searching for the warmth that had been there only a moment ago but finding nothing. Still half-asleep, he asked the empty room, “What’s up?”

The only answer was the soft whir of recycled air and the occasional whoosh of a passing skycar. Still bleary-eyed, he glanced at the clock and groaned: 0323. Then the bedroom door opened and Chloe slipped into the room in her nightgown.

“I was just getting a quick drink.” 

She crawled back into the bed and pulled the covers back around them both. She snuggled back against him and he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close.

“You left without waking me.”

“I was coming right back,” she answered, a hint of amusement at the edge of her voice.

He was already drifting back to sleep but he managed to murmur, “Next time, wake me.”


End file.
